We all want to feel good. We all want to be happy. Most of us are surprised when what we thought would make us happy, doesn’t. So now what? Why does it seem like happiness is often just beyond our reach and each step forward doesn’t get us any closer?
Here are two great resources for learning more about our capacity for happiness:
The documentary film Happy
Dan Gilbert’s TED talk The Surprising Science of Happiness
In our culture, making more money and getting more stuff is often associated with being happier. On some level, money can make us happier. If our basic needs are not being met (food, shelter, safety) then happiness can also be hard to come by, but after a certain point money loses the ability to have much effect on our happiness at all. The documentary film Happy cites studies that show the difference between how happy someone is who earns $5,000 per year, and another who earns $50,000 per year is significant; but that gap closes significantly between people who make $50,000 and those earning $5 million per year. Yes, you read that correctly. Someone who earns millions of dollars shows very little difference in happiness than the person who brings home $50,000. What are we all working so hard for?
We as humans are more resilient than we usually expect. In his TED talk, Dan Gilbert talks about how, with a few exceptions, three months after a major life difficulty we tend to be just as happy as before. Most of the things we think will make us really happy usually tend to be fleeting. This is also true with events or circumstances we think will be awful, and we believe will make us unhappy. It seems that in our pursuit of happiness, and aversion to suffering, we miss the boat. We keep ourselves from enjoying the equilibrium of contentment right now – the potential of the perfect, present moment.
What are some of the commonalities between the “happiest” people around the world: a sense of community, having a purpose like helping others, and feeling gratitude. From the slums of India, to tribes in Africa, to right here in our backyard, the happiest people are the ones who have close friends, families, and neighbors. We are often encouraged to compete in almost every area of our lives, but it turns out that cooperation is the most fulfilling human experience. In another experiment cited in the film Happy, researchers asked one group of college students to write down 5 things they were grateful for once a week, and another group was asked to offer random acts of kindness. Both groups showed a significant increase in their happiness levels, but the group who helped others showed a greater increase.
The messages we receive about what success and happiness look like are actually totally different than the truth of our experience. It makes sense - our economy wouldn’t see much growth if no one wanted or needed anything to feel complete. So, in the midst of striving for some illusion of happiness, we overlook the connections to people in our lives that will actually give us happiness now. Perhaps today, you can practice happiness by spending a little more time talking to a friend you bump into in the grocery store. You might discover contentment by chatting over coffee with a colleague. Today, you could become more fulfilled by fostering a relationship in your life. Happiness is a skill. Let’s practice.